Behind Locked Doors
by Nienyan
Summary: Set during the main arc, after Richard's coronation. On the night before departing to Lhant, Asbel heads to Richard's room, intent on confronting him about his increasingly ruthless behavior. There, he learns more about his king than he ever expected.


_Behind Locked Doors_

Asbel's life had been riddled with failures.

He first knew the bitter taste of powerlessness as a child, and for seven years, he strove with all his might so he would never have to face it again. But it was in vain. He failed his father, who perished in battle; he failed his childhood friend, who spurned his company; he failed his hometown and his very own brother, who exiled him. He was left with nothing, nothing but the shadow of the girl he had once failed to protect. He was unwanted, unneeded. Worthless.

Until he met Richard again.

When Asbel had been lost, Richard gave him a place in the world. Richard needed him, trusted him, saw him as someone special. Even though Asbel had failed seven years ago, Richard still wanted him by his side. Asbel finally became the knight he had dreamed of being - and as long as Richard was his king, he would have a purpose.

But Richard began to change.

The man who now sat atop Windor's throne was almost unrecognizable. Richard, who had once trembled in fear at the prospect of fighting his own people, did not even balk at the idea of mass executions. The boy who had once stood on a hill, talking about his dream of peace, had grown into a man who would leap into battle before even considering to negotiate. Just a few weeks before, under the full moon in Gralesyde, Richard had revealed his reluctance to wage war. And now, he was intent on invading Lhant.

Asbel had managed to convince him otherwise, but barely. And what would happen next? Would Richard keep changing? Could the throne really warp him into a completely different person? Asbel refused to believe it. Underneath that kingly persona, something of his old friend must have remained.

But how could he bring it out, make Richard remember the person he had once been? They hadn't been able to speak privately since… since Wallbridge. Since all of this began. And now, with Richard as king, it would be almost impossible to have a moment alone with him. He was always busy, and worst of all, distant. Would he even want to speak to Asbel as a friend, rather than a subject?

It was true Asbel wouldn't know unless he tried. But he had so little time. Richard had agreed to send him as an envoy to Lhant, and he was to leave the very next morning. Tonight… it would be Asbel's only chance. Once Richard was done with the day's duty, he would be alone in his room, and maybe… no, they _would_ be able to meet.

And so, hoping against hope, Asbel ventured into the royal quarters well after nightfall.

There were no guards at Richard's door. Whether it was because his paranoia was subsiding or he was confident he had smashed all opposition, Asbel did not know. Well, whatever the reason, it suited Asbel's purposes. He raised a hand to knock, but froze as he heard a voice from within.

The door was thick and made from sturdy wood, so Asbel could not identify the words, but it was surely Richard's voice. From his tone, he seemed to be arguing… or pleading? But why would a king need to plead? Asbel pressed his ear to the door, worry for his friend overcoming any guilt for eavesdropping. Richard's voice went on for a bit longer, the words still unclear to Asbel. Then, he stopped speaking.

Asbel's stomach tied into a knot as he waited, hoping to hear the voice of whoever Richard was talking to. But there was only silence. Asbel was about to barge in, when Richard's voice suddenly rose again. It was louder this time, more anguished. For a moment, Asbel thought he heard his name. And once more, Richard grew silent— then resumed speaking a few seconds later.

 _Is he talking to himself?_

Was Richard losing his mind due to the stress of being king? No, it couldn't be! Richard had always seemed so confident, so resolute. He would never yield to pressure. Maybe… maybe the person Richard was talking to was simply speaking very quietly. Yes, that had to be it.

Asbel waited. After a while, Richard's voice died down, and he spoke no more. Carefully, Asbel stepped away from the door, and stood a reasonable distance from it. Soon, whoever had been with Richard would leave his room.

But time went on, and nobody walked through the door.

Perplexed, Asbel scurried towards it once more, pressing his ear against the wood. Silence. Had Richard been alone after all? Or… was his visitor sleeping in his room? The thought made Asbel's chest tighten in a way he could not understand.

Well, there was only one way to find out. He knocked.

No answer. He knocked again, louder this time.

"Who is it?" Richard's voice, sounding exhausted.

"It's… it's me. Asbel."

Once more, Silence. Asbel's stomach churned with anxiety. He was about to blurt out something stupid when Richard finally spoke, "Come in."

Asbel found the door unlocked. He opened it slowly, peering inside the room as he did so. It was dark, darker than in the hallway, with a single eleth bedside lamp proving a bit of light. Richard was sitting on the bed, wearing a night robe, his face hidden by shadows and slightly disheveled golden hair. No one else was in sight.

Asbel closed the door behind him. Swallowing, he spoke in hushed tones, "Richard, are you okay?"

Richard's lips parted, but he closed them without a word. A moment later, he replied in a harsh tone, "Shouldn't you be preparing to leave tomorrow?"

"I've already packed everything." It was a lie - he had been too worried about Richard to get anything done. But he wasn't here to argue over packing. "I just… wanted to talk to you."

Richard shifted, but did not reply. He felt like a stranger. For a moment, Asbel hesitated, wondering whether this was a waste of time, whether Richard was too far gone, way beyond his reach. But no. That was impossible. Richard was his friend, one of his dearest, closest friends, and they had made a promise.

Mustering his courage, Asbel walked towards the bed, sitting next to Richard. "Things have probably been hard on you since the coronation," he began, gently placing a hand on Richard's shoulder, "If there's anything you want to talk about… please, I'm here for you, Richard."

Richard flinched at the touch, but after a moment, his shoulders relaxed. When he spoke, his voice was gentle, "Thank you."

Like the old Richard.

Asbel smiled, giving Richard's shoulder a soft squeeze. "I mean it, Richard. Like I said back in Wallbridge… All your fear and doubt, I can bear them for you. I am your sword, and your friend. Always."

Richard turned towards him, lifting his head, golden hair falling back so Asbel could see his face. His lips were half-parted, his eyes slightly wide in… surprise? Why would he be surprised at what Asbel said?

"Do you really mean it?" Richard asked hesitantly, voice wavering. "You will stay by my side… you won't abandon me?"

"I'll never abandon you." Asbel's tone was resolute. He reached out, taking both of Richard's hands in his own. "I'll always stay by your side, Richard. I promise."

Richard's gaze fell to their interlocked hands, and Asbel's own gaze followed it. Richard's fingers were cold, and slimmer than Asbel remembered. These were the hands that held an entire kingdom - but they seemed so delicate, so fragile. Richard was only one person, and yet he had to carry so much on his shoulders.

"Richard… I know things must have been hard for you, but please, you have to—"

Asbel's words faded as Richard suddenly unclasped their hands and grabbed Asbel's arms with an iron grip. Before Asbel had a chance to react, Richard shifted his weight, pushing Asbel against the bed with unnatural strength. Despite how soft the mattress was, the force of the impact was enough to make Asbel's vision blur.

Richard was on top of him, slender fingers digging into his arm. Asbel saw a red glow, and then something clashed against his mouth.

Richard's lips.

Too shocked to react, Asbel lay frozen as Richard took him into a rough, almost violent kiss. His mind bent itself to try and understand the situation, why Richard would want to kiss him, and why do it like this? This wasn't Richard, no, Richard was gentle and caring and kind, this couldn't be him! If Richard kissed him, it would be soft, pleasant, not this, never this.

Asbel abruptly jerked his head to the side, breaking the kiss. Richard gasped, and pulled back a few inches, staring down at Asbel with wide, horrified eyes. His lips parted, trembled, and just as suddenly as he had lunged at Asbel, he scrambled away from him towards the edge of the bed. There, Richard sat still, face buried in his hands.

It made no sense. Nothing did. This entire visit felt like a bizarre dream, or a nightmare. Asbel's head spun with conflicted feelings as he propped himself on his elbows, looking at Richard's back.

"Richard?"

No answer. He did not even move.

Asbel scooted closer to him, being careful to leave some space between them. "Richard, what's going on?"

"I'm sorry," Richard whispered, trembling voice muffled by his palms.

Asbel forgot all hesitation and rushed to sit by Richard's side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. It's okay, Richard." He swallowed, trying to keep his voice steady. "Please, just tell me what's happening, why you've been acting like this. Please."

Richard's hands dropped to his lap. He took a deep breath, and muttered, "I don't know. I don't know, Asbel. Something is wrong with me. I feel like… I feel like I'm losing my mind."

A lump formed in Asbel's throat. "It's probably just stress. The civil war, and now, having to rule a kingdom… Soon, you'll get used to it, and everything will be back to normal."

Richard shook his head. "I don't think so. It's been getting worse, Asbel. I'm slipping further and further every day. In a while, I won't even be myself."

"No!" Asbel blurted, gripping Richard's shoulders and making him turn to face him. "Don't say that, Richard. We'll figure it out. We'll find a way to cure you. No matter what, I'll make sure of it."

Richard's gaze fell. "Even after all I've done, you still want to help me? I hurt you."

Asbel took a moment to realize what Richard meant. Even though it had just happened, it felt so distant, almost unreal. "Don't worry." His arms ached where Richard had grabbed them. It would leave a bruise. "I'm fine, Richard. It was nothing, really."

"I'm so sorry," he whispered again, head dropping further. "For just now, and for the last few weeks. I've been a terrible friend."

Asbel's chest tightened. He opened his mouth, but he didn't know what to say. Instead, he slid his arms around Richard, pulling him into a hug.

Richard winced, but placed his head on Asbel's shoulder a moment later, wrapping his own arms around Asbel's waist. Richard's grip was uncertain, as if he was afraid to hold Asbel too tightly; realizing this, Asbel brought Richard closer, pressing him against his chest. He heard Richard breathe something into his ear, but he couldn't tell what. An apology, perhaps.

"Richard…" Asbel began, but found himself unable to go on. He had so many questions he wanted to ask, but he knew not how to word them. He didn't even understand his own feelings. Richard was so warm in his arms, the fragrance of his hair so pleasant in his nostrils. He could feel Richard's heartbeat against his chest, his breath on his neck. If only this could last forever.

"Why did you kiss me?"

Richard froze in his arms.

Through his life, Asbel had done many foolish things. But he never felt so much like a complete, utter idiot as he did after he blurted those words.

Sputtering, he tried to undo his mistake, "Richard, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to— Of course, you were just—"

Richard pushed against his chest, trying to break the embrace. Desperate, Asbel pulled him closer, unwilling to let go. "Please."

Richard did not struggle and accepted Asbel's arms around him, but he was stiff. "I'm sorry," he muttered, "I must've disgusted you."

"What? No, that's not it!" Asbel held him tighter. While Richard's forcefulness had been unpleasant, disgust had never crossed Asbel's mind. "I just… I just wanted to understand." To understand why Richard would want to kiss him.

Richard was silent. Asbel felt his heartbeat increase through the contact between their chests - or was that Asbel's own heart pounding faster? Unconsciously, he gave Richard a squeeze, burying his face in golden hair.

"It's something I've always wanted to do," Richard whispered, "Ever since we met again in the Catacombs… Maybe even before then." He paused, trembling. "But not in that way. Never in that way."

Asbel's breath caught in his throat. He shifted, bringing one of his hands to rest on the back of Richard's head, fingers digging into soft locks. Gently, he pushed Richard back, only enough so they could be face to face. Richard met his gaze with eyes that seemed confused and afraid, his lips half-parted, as if he wanted to speak, but couldn't.

Unable to think, Asbel kissed him.

He felt Richard's surprised gasp against his lips, and then softness, all the softness he had expected from Richard's mouth. And softness from his arms as they wrapped around Asbel's neck, from his fingers as they ran through Asbel's hair, from every little movement that was just _Richard_. Gentle, kind, tender, the man he really was, rather than the shadow who had been trying to overtake him. His real king, his real friend.

The warmth of Richard's mouth lingered on his lips when he pulled back. Richard sighed, cheeks pink, and smiled. A genuine, fond smile— how long had it been since he had smiled like this? Heart fluttering, Asbel grinned, pulling Richard in such a sudden embrace it made him gasp again.

"Tomorrow, I'll go to Lhant," Asbel beamed, holding Richard close, "And when I come back, we'll find a way to cure you. I promise."

Asbel's life had been riddled with failures. But this time, no matter what, he would succeed.


End file.
